I went to The Makerie this past weekend with one goal: to paint on a canvas without fear. I accomplished that without much difficulty, thanks to Flora Bowley and her wonderful teaching methods. I had never painted on a large canvas on an easel. By lunchtime, I was making plans to get an easel. My fingers were covered in paint and my heart was full.
Of course, the weekend, as the past few weeks, was not without angst. I have a difficult time getting to know people. I can’t seem to form a complete sentence when I first meet a lot of people at once. So this weekend, I mostly sat back and listened. Listened to other women around me, chatting happily and making friends. It probably didn’t help that I would venture to my room once the evening festivities were over and hole up there. But when I go to a retreat, I need that down time. I am a full-time freelancer, so I don’t socialize as much as I used to when I was out in the workforce. When I go to a retreat, I get SO tired out so quickly. Part of it is taking in so much: the wealth of knowledge the talented teachers pass on, the exchanges with others in class, the pure intenstity of it all. It sounds crazy, but it takes a lot of energy. I need to wind down at some point during the day and have a bulk of time to myself.
And when I say the past few weeks have been angst-filled, I mean that I feel as if I’m at a crossroads. I need to do instead of thinking. I need to not worry about my blog stats, sales numbers of Doodle Diary, the number of comments I receive here, what others think of me, money, and getting my work “out there”. I just need to do. Absorb myself into the creating and start opening those avenues. Work on those projects I’ve been putting off. So what if I don’t have a publisher for one of the books I’ve been wanting to do? I’m just going to do it. I’m going to become better friends with my sewing machine and actually sew things that contain fabric. I’m going to get back to my crochet hook. Order that easel. Clean up the mess in my head and try not to think too much. I get so bogged down in just thinking. I just gotta get out of my own head.
The time is now.